Why My Friends Are My Joy- Part 1- Cory

My friend Cory is an absolute joy to be around. His relationship with me had lasted since we were 13 years old. The fact that our relationship still survives is a testimony to the power of truth.

The truth is that in the earliest stage of our friendship, we were merely superficial buddies. We seemed to think that the other was worth our time, but our reasons for being in the relationship did not have to do with the value that we each brought to each other, but rather to the value the each brought to the other's illusions.

I cannot say for certain how Cory has felt about our friendship from the beginning, but I can say emphatically how I've felt. When I first met Cory, I was overwhelmed by his incredible kindness. Everyone that Cory met could immediately feel his warmth. I was not nearly as nice a fellow. At the age of 13, I was very insecure. I wanted to be cool, but I didn't want to be an individual. Since Cory was so nice, he allowed me to believe that I had value without actually seeking truth. I'd also submit (and I've talked to Cory about this and he agrees) that Cory's desire to be kind was also fueled by a desire to be accepted by others, instead of by himself.

Do you see how easy it is to want to live your life as someone who just parrots back the desires of others? The sad truth of this is that you simply end up with an incredible emptiness amongst all...because individuals cease to exist. Instead, there exists a void that all deny exists, but continues to crush your integrity.

As I grew up with Cory, I began to shed my desire to be “cool” and instead emphatically tried to be different from the crowd. This quest for individuality was actually about just as conformist as I was before. I would find out what was “cool” and speak out about why it was silly, and why my approach lead to much more happiness. It didn't lead to happiness because it was true, but because it was different. What nonsense!

Luckily for me, Cory continued to be my friend, but I started, like I did to nearly everyone, to look down on him like I was superior. This pumped up ego was a result of actually feeling that I had very little value. Of course, I was not getting girls either, so I had to act like I was so above all of this high school nonsense that girls just “didn't get how great I was”. I feel sick just thinking about how I used to be. Are you starting to see how lucky I am that Cory is still my friend? Maybe not, so let's keep going.

Through high school our relationship continued to be superficial, and we ended up going to the same university. Oh joy! Thus, by virtue of proximity, we continued to keep the friendship alive. The foundation, however, was still made of sand. The beginning of university for me was an absolute nightmare of not knowing what I wanted as a music major, and also wanting to show everyone that I was a great musician without putting in the effort to actually be one. Cory became someone who was merely familiar, and that became his value to me. Naturally, this was no basis for a friendship.

Then, in the summer between my first and second year of college, I read Atlas Shrugged. This discovery of Objectivism began a change in my life that nearly destroyed my friendship with Cory. I learned a great deal about truth and virtue by reading Ayn Rand, but I most certainly did not analyze the ideas quite enough.

Because of how I was raised, my methodology for expressing truth was to merely proclaim the truth and scoff off people who did not get it. While what I was saying may have been true, this is scarcely the proper methodology towards helping others understand the magnitude of libertarian philosophy. It was decidedly not Socratic, and thus there were only two possibilities: Either someone accepts what I say or rejects it wholesale. I bet you can guess which happened more often. It was this methodology that lead Cory and I to nearly losing a friendship.

One day when back in my hometown, Cory and I decided to drive together back to the city. We got into a discussion about Philosophy, and Cory got frustrated saying something to the nature “You know, I don't always agree with you” to which I said “That's fine, but what do you think?” and he said “I don't want to think about this stuff!” I responded, “do you really not want to think?”

Cory was quite angry with me, but he has said that that conversation was a fateful moment. Our friendship now stood on thin ice...a step in one direction and it would end, a step in the other direction to build a beautiful relationship. Cory has told me several times since that he considered not talking to me anymore, but instead decided to start really thinking about his life and the world.

This leads to another major moment about one year later. We had not seen each other for about a month as he was away at a leadership conference. I had been staying in Philadelphia for the summer and had not yet deFOOed (FOO=Family of Origin). However, I had gotten greatly into the philosophy of personal liberty. I, at this point, understood that merely being nice to everyone all the time was not freedom, and upon seeing Cory I became very frustrated. He had, in my eyes, reverted back to his old self in that he seemed to be being overly nice to everyone. I felt like someone could have been saying to him “I killed ten people while you were gone and hate your guts!” and he would have just said “Oh cool, you certainly have every right to be into that and I really respect your opinion”. Obviously this is an exaggeration, but I'm just trying to convey how I felt.

Since I was at the beginning of my attempt to convey how I feel to people, I pulled Cory aside at the party we went to and told him how I felt. I said “Cory, I didn't feel like you were being your true self tonight...I'm not saying that I'm totally right about this, but I just felt like you were placating everyone's feelings without caring about your own”. Naturally, he was taken aback and was quite irritated with my bluntness, but there was a definite change in Cory. We talked for a while and he expressed his frustration, but for the first time we truly open about our feelings with each other and worked together to find out why one of the two of us was feeling frustrated.

Now Cory and I have a mutual understanding that relationships are a two-way street. If you feel great about a relationship and the other person is feeling frustrated, irritated, angry, sad, etc. then if you want the relationship to last you must tell the other how you feel in the moment. This is so critical to solid relationships, because it is honest. Honesty is the first virtue in relationships, and you must have it to find truth.

The relationship I now have with Cory is absolutely beautiful. I know for certain that I can be open with him at all times and he can be that way with me. Seeing Cory happy makes me happy, but that doesn't mean I don't tell him when I feel frustrated about something. That would be dishonest, and no one becomes happy when others are dishonest towards them.

Cory and I are on a journey towards freedom, and I can't tell you how much he means to me. I see him and I feel pride to know such a man of integrity. To be his friend is an honor. Virtue is more important than popularity, conformity, or status. In my pre-enlightenment, I was friends with Cory because we both didn't know ourselves and we saw in each other the same emptiness. With both of us lacking in self-esteem, being around the other made us feel better about our lack of self knowledge. Now, by an incredibly wonderful happenstance, we both made the commitment to self-improvement. The relationship now is based on the celebration of our quest for virtue and truth.

I love Cory, and I can't wait for our further adventures in the world of the true self.