Feeling Defeated

My life “Post-Enlightenment” has been an absolutely incredible journey of intellectual rigor and fun. It is funny to think that “Enlightenment” is as simple as being empirical in every aspect of my life, however, it really makes me wonder about how I approached my life “Pre-Enlightenment”.

Politically, I was in some sense a libertarian minarchist (believer in the minimal government). However, I saw the idea of a libertarian candidate having any major shot at winning an election as being impossible. I was right of course (just look at Ron Paul's candidacy), but I didn't stand back and decide to unflappably look for the best way to find freedom. Instead, I decided to be a Conservative Republican! Oh Joy!

This was a pure example of trying to choose between “the lesser of two evils”. My thinking (and there wasn't much at the time) was that the republicans were (at least in their words) were more about keeping the free market as the top priority. My father taught me about Ronald Reagan's great speeches about freedom (despite his actions rarely lining up with his words) and I didn't like how the democrats seemed to want to grow the welfare state. I, for the most part, completely ignored the social freedoms that conservatives seemed to be keen to take away through state power.

So why did I do this? Why did I simply choose the lesser of two evils as opposed to the position that involved NO evil? Let's keep exploring what I used to think and we'll see if we can figure it out...

So I also would willfully deny my feelings. All the time. I would feel sad about something and say that I felt nothing, or that I felt happy, or that I felt angry. Never what I actually felt. I never wanted to go to church, but would say how I love God. I would have a puppy dog crush on a girl in elementary school, but say she was a dweeb when somebody asked. I would say “Who cares about being cool?” when I was just saying that to be cool. Perhaps you are seeing that my being a conservative republican was just a result of this?

Throughout my childhood, there was no empiricism. There was no “What do you think?” “How do you feel?” My parents never asked “What can we do to be better parents for you? Do you understand why I asked you not to eat that third candy bar? If you could choose any mother/father in the world, would you choose me? If not, why?”

My teachers in school never said “Do you think its fair that your parents don't have a choice about paying for this school?” “Is there anything I can do to be a better teacher for you? Do you feel happy and excited to be here? How do you learn? What can I do to make this environment good for you?”

Instead, my parents and teachers said one thing: “What I'm telling you is true because I'm telling you.”

Of course, I didn't always agree with my parents and teachers when I would first hear their “truths”, but when I would be curious and ask questions I quickly learned that “talking back is disrespectful to your mother!” If I would ask why it was disrespectful, I would get grounded. How nice.

Curiosity was so rarely exercised towards me as a child, and when I would show curiosity I got punished. I fought for a while, but towards high school I finally gave up. I threw in the towel. I was defeated.

Why bother arguing anymore? Clearly, my parents and teachers were just right about everything. I didn't have to figure out whether or not things were true through thought, reason, and evidence, but instead by referring to Dad. Instant Truth Gratification (ITG)! Just ask the big M or D and its true. Wow, that's easy! Forget being an individual...that's clearly unacceptable around here.

This lead to an almost worship of my parents. Me, along with many other kids in high school, went through a phase of talking about how wonderful my parents are. Hell, they buy stuff for me! They are the absolute paragons of virtue! I became super conservative, ignored the fact that my gut told me 'What the hell do I care if Gay people get married?' and stood along side my Dad and George W. Bush in supporting the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of human beings in Iraq. Why were people liberals? Why were people libertarians? Why were people anarchists (gasp!)? Well, they must have just had shitty parents because my dad obviously knows what he's talking about. Hell, he read Ayn Rand!

Luckily for me, the fact that “Ayn Rand was the greatest mind of our time” (straight from the big D), I decided to pick up Atlas Shrugged. That's where my life turned around. Clearly if Ayn Rand is “the greatest mind of our time” then individualism, logic, empiricism, and rationality are of utmost importance. So, after a long process of actually attempting to apply these characteristics to my own life, I started to realize the simple, and horrifying, truth. The real truth. My parents...my teachers...were rank hypocrites.

“Logic is what makes mankind great!” said my dad before screaming at my mother that night for talking while he was watching TV.

“God was with your grandmother tonight” said my mother despite the fact that the existence of God is impossible.

But...if this were true...then they weren't the paragon of virtue. The entirety of my childhood was built on never learning how to actually think! Because what is true is not up to me. It is not up to my parents. It is up to reality. Was I taught to be empirical and think for myself? Of course not! That would reveal their rank hypocrisy.

Unconsciously my parents knew that they were immoral in how they treated me, and nobody wants to consciously look themselves in the face and say “I am corrupt”. As a result, my dad handed me Atlas Shrugged. He was never able to live the values of the heroes in the novels, but he was able to understand in his subconscious that they were much closer to virtue than he could ever be. It was as if his unconscious, that part of him that knew his parenting was thwarting my capacity to think, was saying “Its too late for me...maybe this will save you.” We were both on a sinking ship in a sea of immorality with only one lifeboat and with what last bit goodness he had left sent me towards freedom while going down in the wreckage.

When you are held back, berated for thinking, told you are wrong for being curious, wrong for wanting to live an independent life, it is oh so easy to give up. You feel defeated. If you feel a strong emotion, you were told that your experience was wrong. How could you not?

I'm here to tell you though, your experience is true. Enough of letting others shit all over you. If they are, then, to be blunt, what the hell are you doing still hanging around them? Stop being defeated. Recognize that you feel defeated, and then recognize that it is not true. You have every ability to escape, to live, to be open with yourself, to be open with those around you. You have the ability to be free.

Then you get up, get out of bed, and say “Wow, what a nightmare. Good thing I'm awake now.”